This is the hardest story that I've ever told

Now that all's said and done, this is for closure.
You know, I think we fought so hard, we lost the energy to continue fighting at the end. This journey has been tough, almost impossible to finish, but we've all lived to tell. For all the shit we've been through, I would say we're ultimately winners.


It has never been easy, right from the beginning. Remember, our seniors weren't exactly fond of us? Remember how we felt so lost and no one told us what we were in for? Remember all the drama with coach, the teachers, the boys and all the screwed up rainy days? I remember. the sms that went along the lines of:
"If your school is unhappy with my schedule, they can go get a new coach."
I remember the conversation that left me down for days, when he presented a reality I refused to accept:
"I know the standard of teams that make it, and to be honest, you all try hard, but you cannot reach that standard."
I remember the fights with the teachers, the bitching they did because we simply wanted to train. They didn't care, the seniors didn't care, the guys thought nothing of us. Some days, I have never felt so alone.
We all cried didn't we? Almost all of us. Be it pain, disappointment, late trainings, scoldings, mistakes ad anything else. We all had those days, when we wanted to give it all up, because nobody believed in us anyway and no matter how hard we tried, we couldn't get it. I remember. Days when I let everyone down because I couldn't set properly. Days when I didn't think I could ever get it. Those days were impossible.
The courts have our sweat, blood and tears. Sometimes, I wish things were different. I wish H1N1 didn't happen. I wish we didn't have to fight to train. I wish there was someone fighting for us. I wish things were easier.
Yet, we smiled when we played in the rain and fell sick the next day. We laughed when coach's car broke down and about how the teacher had to rush home to hang her clothes/feed her dog/do something that doesnt require staying back for volleyball. We screwed up, but we kept going because we wanted to prove to ourselves that we can do it. We stayed together.
The last month's just been insane. It hurt so much, I couldn't breathe, literally. I thought I was going to die. Reality came and slapped me in the face. When the drama came, and all the mistake I've made, all the friends I thought I lost, I didn't know how to be captain anymore. But I'm forgiven. For the first time, I thought coach finally believed in us, and I liked to think he really did. But we weren't ready mentally. A year is too short. Our skills weren't that bad, but we lost in experience and mental strength. I think the JJC and MJC matches proved my point.
I gave it my all. Times when I've tried to change things, talking to HODs, teachers, coach, seniors, the guys and to the team. But things didn't really change. I served so many times, my shoulder gave, and I couldn't serve since the year begun. Dumb. But I think for setting, all the work did pay off.
But there were moments I would never trade. When you told me you weren't going to give up, I realised I couldn't as well. When we compared our bruises, scraps, tanlines, fat thighs, ate dinner talking shit, put on insane amounts of sunblock and deep heat, bathed for hours, bitched about life, had our catfight, swooned over guys, pissed each other off but we forgive anyway.
For the guys that came and helped, we're all really grateful. You all were an inspiration, and we were lucky to have our paths crossed, however brief a time. Some memories I can never forget, some words I hold close to the heart.
We lost, but we were happier than the team that won. They went home, we went for team dinner. You know what we won? Tenacity, friendship, memories. And of course, team bag/shoes/shirt/kneepads. This is the experience, it's a struggle, somedays you get lucky, other days, you pray for lucky days.
Now that all's said and done, I'll let exhaustion take over. Never knew I could feel so much. I'm tired from talking, from fighting, from feeling. Tired of drama. So tired, I pushed everyone away. It's so scary to look into the mirror one day and realise that this is not the girl you recognise. It's worse when your friends don't recognise you anymore too.

Wrote this the night after our last game and there shall be no more depressing posts after this.
Time to say goodbye. No more sad songs, no more drama, no more headaches. Come back to life baby, I'm taking the last flight out tonight!

The Journey

I miss baking SO MUCH. Usually in such baking droughts, I'll source for potential recipes online and start gearing up for another baking session. But with the upcoming season, SATs, and general hardcore studying, I cannot afford the time. I cannot afford the energy.

So let me take all you dear readers through my journey, before fionainthekitchen came to be of existance. Maybe at the end, I'll feel better.

Presenting my very FIRST cake! It looks rather unappetising, but hey, it tasted good... I think?

Then 2 years later, this crazy thought came to my mind. It was insane and do let me explain my case.

1. My brother whom I love dearly was turning 21. A special age to turn.


2. I wanted to give him something to remember, a very personalised cake.


3. Problem 1: He didn't like cakes. He loved brownies, malteses, Julie's waffle biscuits.


4. I planned for 2 months, and decided to do a vanilla ice cream brownie chocolate cake. Vanilla ice cream sandwiched between brownie and chocolate cake.


5. Problem 2: I forgot I didn't live in a refrigerator.


6. Problem 3: He was having a party with 30 odd guests, and they're hungry 21 year olds.


7. 2 days, and the most challenging cake of my life was done, but I've never attempted an icecream cake ever since.


8. Guess what, everyone said it tasted awesome. Makes my heart SWELL.

Banana Chocolate Cake for my primary school friends for when they were about to take their Olevels. Just so that the 4-leafed clover could wish them luck! See picture above on banner.

It could've been better, so I shall attempt it again. But I do love this cake, because the clover looked really pretty and took unbelievably long to do.

For the final showcase, this was for my Sec 4 class chalet. Just to mark the end of my role as 404'08 class chairman. Rum and Raisin Kitkat Chocolate cake. I can't remember the layerings clearly, but the bottom layer was crushed kitkat. Quite a bad idea, the kitkat layer did not adhere well to the layer of cake. But it still tasted great nonetheless. I got an order for this cake from my classmate even!



Of course, there's still a whole stash of random baked goods. And a whole load more I'll continue to make. But now, it's gotta wait.

I really miss baking. I wish sleep wasn't a necessity, then I'll bake those sleepless nights away.

Oreo Cheesecake

So I thought, what goes into an oreo cheesecake? (Oreos. Duh.) How true though, I had thought there was more to an oreo cheesecake. But after doing some research, I found out that it was simply oreo biscuits in a normal plain cheesecake.

And hence, Oreo biscuit bottom layer and cheesecake with oreo crumbs within! Pity the cheesecake cracked a little, I wonder what can be done.

Every cake comes with an occasion, so that it'll be remembered, treasured and appreciated. I figured that it would be quite cool to eat a slice of cake which has your name on it. Therefore, with limited artistic ability, this was the best I could come up with in 2 hours!

Happy Birthday Amos! With this, I fulfilled my promise. It's funny how sometimes losing someone can bring someone into your life. But life always works itself out in the end, doesn't it?

Pack up the whisk and dry the cloth. Hang up the apron because it's time to put pen to paper. Give it all up till the last bell rings.

18th birthday - Checkered Fruit Cake

It's so great to be able to make your own birthday cake and to be able to make 2 of them is simply awesome! Since there would be no point baking a cake that can be bought in stores, I decided to go checkered. So for all who's wondering, this is the "naked" cake, cut into circles and swopped around.



And with a bit of whipped cream, mango slices, kiwi slices and a strawberry, I surprised even myself! Though the mangoes did give me some problems...



The very pretty slices of cake.



Initially, this blog was meant only to record my baking journey, to remember my progress. But now, I've come to realise that for everything I bake/cook, I'm telling a story. Fionainthekitchen is a story of my life. And with this cake, another chapter begins, for a few days before turning 18, something happened and I'll tell this story like how a story goes:

It was a flash of yellow and blue, snapping her head back and knocking the breath out of her. The ball bounced away; innocent, as she tried to gasp away the tears and blink away the sting in her eyes.

Save the lenses. Without them, she's almost blind. But when the lenses are back in, something's not quite right. The left eye, it's misty. As if on a hazy morning, she sees a fog. She blinks, once, twice, desperately. Then she remembered.

4 years back, she was told her high myopia came with side effects - her retina was thin. It could happen now, tomorrow, in years to come or never. But whenever, her retina may tear and she might have to live in darkness. It didn't seem real then, in fact it was such an unimaginable possibility, until now.

She can't see properly. She waited for the fear to come, she knew it was coming. That kind of fear that would seize and paralyse you. That kind of fear that would bring on the tears, tears that she havent had for quite some time.

She was so afraid, terrified, petrified. In the hospital, she thought about worst case scenarios. She wondered if she was going blind, it felt so real. To lose your vision, it meant losing everything that mattered, it meant losing your life. She would never play volleyball again, never bake again, never study again, never have a family... She can't stop the tears, it was impossible to even try.

As she waited, she thought about things unsaid, things undone. She thought about love, about friends, family and life. And she realised that she's not that strong, without her vision, she cannot find the courage to continue living. She knows, she's selfish.

Now, she's turning 18, but it feels like she's turning 38. She stares at the candle; its flame holding promises, and she's thankful for her eyes.

For once, let this wish comes true. She'll give anything to make everyone that matters never leave her again. Because she doesn't know when she might never get the chance to see them anymore. For once, this wish has to come true.

The flame disappears in a puff of hope.

Chinese New Year - Beehive cookies, Chiku chips

Even though it has only been the first day of Chinese New Year, I have to put this down. I am indeed growing fat and in dire need of exercise thanks to all my "research" of chinese new year goodies. Especially pineapple tarts.

Today I was introduced to a recipe for this beehive cookies:

plain flour 400g
rice flour 100g

corn flour 50g

sugar 300g

eggs 10

coconut milk

water

And I shall make it someday! Yes, I will. But the steps to it weren't passed down to me.

Next, has anyone tried chiku chips before? Personally, I think it tastes awesome, much better

than potato chips. And it's actually in the market and sold at a rather expensive price! Interesting isn't it, I shall try to make it someday too.

Anyway I have since found that rather than sitting down keeping silent when visiting, it is much much more interesting to ask the host about all her homemade goodies. In fact, exchanging all these culinary opinions and experiences really makes me feel very at home. I've made some new friends, proving therefore that food transcends the generation gap!