30122008

This is not really supposed to be here and such posts wouldn't come out often. I just needed to put this down somewhere and this is perhaps the most convenient place, seeing that I don't keep any diary or such.

Today I went to pay a long overdue visit to my babysitter's place. It's been more than a decade since I've really seen her and talked to her. I remember telling myself I have to do this before the new year so that I can leave 2008 without any regrets. Especially after I've seen the fragility of life.

I thought I would feel like a kid once I saw her, I thought it would feel as if the clock merely stopped for 10 years. I was wrong. And it frightened me as I saw how much she has aged. I was suddenly scared of the future where she would no longer be around and those people that I've taken for granted my whole life would leave.

Then I started to regret, ironically, seeing that I was trying to prevent regret in the first place. I wanted those years back, those years where I actually covered her up with all the other childhood memories and people with years and years of dust.

I like seeing her smile because of me. The old folks aren't that good at expressing their feelings but it radiates off them, for you to feel. And I can imagine how she must have been anticipating my visit since the call I gave her yesterday.

It amazes me that some things in life don't change. I know that no matter who I became in these 10 years, she would still love me as much. Even if I completely forget about her, she would still occasionally dig up those photographs and reminisce about the days when she was in my life.

It's the little things, like giving me all her containers after I told her I was selling pineapple tarts for new year, sending me off at the lift just so she could see me a bit more despite the 3 hours and calling to check that I'm home safely, that makes the regret turn into pain.

I'm just so glad that I grew up before she left to realise her love and try my best to make up for the lost years. My grandma died 4 years ago and it's been a regret of mine all along that I didn't reciprocate everything that she has done for me. I wish I could tell her that I really appreciate all that she had done and I really want to make a cake for her. Even if she doesn't like it, I know she'll still pretend to like it because I made it. And she'll be proud of me.

I really want to make a cake for ahma. The best cake in the world for the best ahma. I want to see her smile because of me again.

I came home today and mopped the entire house, I even bought biscuits for my dad. Then I realised how old my parents are, both in their fifties. And I didn't want the same kind of regret in my life.

It's love like these that doesnt change. Love that can be felt even if they are no longer around. It's to be reciprocated before it gets too late.

Life's too short for regrets.